Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans.

SHALLOW Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a
Star-Chamber matter of it. If he were twenty Sir
John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow,
Esquire.
SLENDER In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace
and Coram.
SHALLOW Ay, Cousin Slender, and Custalorum.
SLENDER Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born,
Master Parson, who writes himself “Armigero”
in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation—
“Armigero!”
SHALLOW Ay, that I do, and have done any time these
three hundred years.
SLENDER All his successors gone before him hath
done ’t, and all his ancestors that come after him
may. They may give the dozen white luces in their
coat.
SHALLOW It is an old coat.
SIR HUGH The dozen white louses do become an old
coat well. It agrees well, passant. It is a familiar
beast to man and signifies love.
SHALLOW The luce is the fresh fish. The salt fish is an
old coat.
SLENDER I may quarter, coz.

---

SHALLOW You may, by marrying.
SIR HUGH It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
SHALLOW Not a whit.
SIR HUGH Yes, py ’r Lady. If he has a quarter of your
coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
simple conjectures. But that is all one. If Sir John
Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you,
I am of the Church, and will be glad to do my
benevolence to make atonements and compromises
between you.
SHALLOW The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.
SIR HUGH It is not meet the Council hear a riot. There
is no fear of Got in a riot. The Council, look you,
shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear
a riot. Take your visaments in that.
SHALLOW Ha! O’ my life, if I were young again, the
sword should end it.
SIR HUGH It is petter that friends is the sword, and end
it. And there is also another device in my prain,
which peradventure prings goot discretions with
it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master
Thomas Page, which is pretty virginity.
SLENDER Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair
and speaks small like a woman?
SIR HUGH It is that fery person for all the ’orld, as just
as you will desire. And seven hundred pounds of
moneys, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon
his death’s-bed (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!)
give, when she is able to overtake seventeen
years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our
pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between
Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred
pound?
SIR HUGH Ay, and her father is make her a petter
penny.

---

SLENDER I know the young gentlewoman. She has
good gifts.
SIR HUGH Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is
goot gifts.
SHALLOW Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff
there?
SIR HUGH Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I
do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
is not true. The knight Sir John is there, and I beseech
you be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat
the door for Master Page. He knocks. What ho?
Got pless your house here.
PAGE , within Who’s there?
SIR HUGH Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and
Justice Shallow, and here young Master Slender,
that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
matters grow to your likings.

Enter Master Page.

PAGE I am glad to see your Worships well. I thank you
for my venison, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW Master Page, I am glad to see you. Much
good do it your good heart! I wished your venison
better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress
Page? And I thank you always with my heart, la,
with my heart.
PAGE Sir, I thank you.
SHALLOW Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
PAGE I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
SLENDER How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I
heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.
PAGE It could not be judged, sir.
SLENDER You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.
SHALLOW That he will not. ’Tis your fault, ’tis your
fault. ’Tis a good dog.
PAGE A cur, sir.

---

SHALLOW Sir, he’s a good dog and a fair dog. Can there
be more said? He is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff
here?
PAGE Sir, he is within, and I would I could do a good
office between you.
SIR HUGH It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
SHALLOW He hath wronged me, Master Page.
PAGE Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
SHALLOW If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not
that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me, indeed
he hath; at a word, he hath. Believe me. Robert
Shallow, Esquire, saith he is wronged.

Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.

PAGE Here comes Sir John.
FALSTAFF Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me
to the King?
SHALLOW Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my
deer, and broke open my lodge.
FALSTAFF But not kissed your keeper’s daughter.
SHALLOW Tut, a pin. This shall be answered.
FALSTAFF I will answer it straight: I have done all this.
That is now answered.
SHALLOW The Council shall know this.
FALSTAFF ’Twere better for you if it were known in
counsel. You’ll be laughed at.
SIR HUGH Pauca verba , Sir John, good worts.
FALSTAFF Good worts? Good cabbage!—Slender, I
broke your head. What matter have you against
me?
SLENDER Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against
you and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol.
BARDOLPH You Banbury cheese!
SLENDER Ay, it is no matter.
PISTOL How now, Mephostophilus?

---

SLENDER Ay, it is no matter.
NYM Slice, I say! Pauca, pauca . Slice, that’s my humor.
SLENDER , ( to Shallow ) Where’s Simple, my man?
Can you tell, cousin?
SIR HUGH Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand;
there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand:
that is, Master Page ( fidelicet Master Page);
and there is myself ( fidelicet myself); and the three
party is, lastly and finally, mine Host of the Garter.
PAGE We three to hear it and end it between them.
SIR HUGH Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my
notebook, and we will afterwards ’ork upon the
cause with as great discreetly as we can.
FALSTAFF Pistol.
PISTOL He hears with ears.
SIR HUGH The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this,
“He hears with ear”? Why, it is affectations.
FALSTAFF Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?
SLENDER Ay, by these gloves, did he—or I would I
might never come in mine own great chamber
again else—of seven groats in mill-sixpences,
and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two
shilling and twopence apiece of Yed Miller, by
these gloves.
FALSTAFF Is this true, Pistol?
SIR HUGH No, it is false, if it is a pickpurse.
PISTOL Ha, thou mountain foreigner!—Sir John and
master mine, I combat challenge of this latten
bilbo.—Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of
denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.
SLENDER , indicating Nym By these gloves, then ’twas
he.
NYM Be avised, sir, and pass good humors. I will say
“marry trap with you” if you run the nuthook’s
humor on me. That is the very note of it.

---

SLENDER By this hat, then, he in the red face had it.
For, though I cannot remember what I did when
you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an
ass.
FALSTAFF What say you, Scarlet and John?
BARDOLPH Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman
had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
SIR HUGH It is “his five senses.” Fie, what the ignorance
is!
BARDOLPH , to Falstaff And being fap, sir, was, as
they say, cashiered. And so conclusions passed the
careers.
SLENDER Ay, you spake in Latin then too. But ’tis no
matter. I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again but in
honest, civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be
drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of
God, and not with drunken knaves.
SIR HUGH So Got ’udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
FALSTAFF You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen.
You hear it.

Enter Anne Page with wine.

PAGE Nay, daughter, carry the wine in. We’ll drink
within. Anne Page exits.
SLENDER O heaven, this is Mistress Anne Page.

Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.

PAGE How now, Mistress Ford?
FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well
met. By your leave, good mistress. He kisses her.
PAGE Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome.—Come, we
have a hot venison pasty to dinner. Come, gentlemen,
I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
All but Slender, Shallow, and Sir Hugh exit.
SLENDER I had rather than forty shillings I had my
book of Songs and Sonnets here!

---

Enter Simple.

How now, Simple? Where have you been? I must
wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of
Riddles about you, have you?
SIMPLE Book of Riddles ? Why, did you not lend it to
Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight
afore Michaelmas?
SHALLOW , to Slender Come, coz; come, coz. We stay
for you. A word with you, coz. Marry, this, coz:
there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made
afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me?
SLENDER Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable. If it be
so, I shall do that that is reason.
SHALLOW Nay, but understand me.
SLENDER So I do, sir.
SIR HUGH Give ear to his motions, Master Slender. I
will description the matter to you, if you be capacity
of it.
SLENDER Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I
pray you, pardon me. He’s a Justice of Peace in his
country, simple though I stand here.
SIR HUGH But that is not the question. The question is
concerning your marriage.
SHALLOW Ay, there’s the point, sir.
SIR HUGH Marry, is it, the very point of it—to Mistress
Anne Page.
SLENDER Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
reasonable demands.
SIR HUGH But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command
to know that of your mouth, or of your lips;
for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of
the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your
good will to the maid?
SHALLOW Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?

---

SLENDER I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one
that would do reason.
SIR HUGH Nay, Got’s lords and His ladies! You must
speak positable, if you can carry her your desires
towards her.
SHALLOW That you must. Will you, upon good dowry,
marry her?
SLENDER I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
request, cousin, in any reason.
SHALLOW Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz.
What I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the
maid?
SLENDER I will marry her, sir, at your request. But if
there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven
may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when
we are married and have more occasion to know
one another. I hope upon familiarity will grow
more content. But if you say “Marry her,” I will
marry her. That I am freely dissolved, and
dissolutely.
SIR HUGH It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is
in the ’ord “dissolutely.” The ’ort is, according to
our meaning, “resolutely.” His meaning is good.
SHALLOW Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
SLENDER Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!

Enter Anne Page.

SHALLOW Here comes fair Mistress Anne.—Would I
were young for your sake, Mistress Anne.
ANNE The dinner is on the table. My father desires
your Worships’ company.
SHALLOW I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
SIR HUGH ’Od’s plessèd will, I will not be absence at
the grace. Sir Hugh and Shallow exit.
ANNE , to Slender Will ’t please your Worship to come
in, sir?

---

SLENDER No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily. I am very
well.
ANNE The dinner attends you, sir.
SLENDER I am not ahungry, I thank you, forsooth. ( To
Simple. ) Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go
wait upon my cousin Shallow. ( Simple exits. ) A
Justice of Peace sometime may be beholding to his
friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet
I live like a poor gentleman born.
ANNE I may not go in without your Worship. They will
not sit till you come.
SLENDER I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing. I thank you as much
as though I did.
ANNE I pray you, sir, walk in.
SLENDER I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised
my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and
dagger with a master of fence—three veneys for a
dish of stewed prunes—and, by my troth, I cannot
abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ th’ town?
ANNE I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of.
SLENDER I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel
at it as any man in England. You are afraid if
you see the bear loose, are you not?
ANNE Ay, indeed, sir.
SLENDER That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have
seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken
him by the chain. But, I warrant you, the women
have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed. But
women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favored
rough things.

Enter Page.

PAGE Come, gentle Master Slender, come. We stay for
you.

---

SLENDER I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
PAGE By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come,
come.
SLENDER Nay, pray you, lead the way.
PAGE Come on, sir.
SLENDER Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
ANNE Not I, sir. Pray you, keep on.
SLENDER Truly, I will not go first, truly, la! I will not do
you that wrong.
ANNE I pray you, sir.
SLENDER I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
They exit.

Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple.

SIR HUGH Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’
house which is the way. And there dwells one Mistress
Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse,
or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry—his
washer and his wringer.
SIMPLE Well, sir.
SIR HUGH Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter
( handing him a paper ) , for it is a ’oman that altogether’s
acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page;
and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit
your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray
you, be gone. I will make an end of my dinner;
there’s pippins and cheese to come.
They exit.

Enter Sir John Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol,
and Robin, Falstaff’s Page.

FALSTAFF Mine Host of the Garter!
HOST What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and
wisely.
FALSTAFF Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of
my followers.
HOST Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag;
trot, trot.
FALSTAFF I sit at ten pounds a week.
HOST Thou ’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and
Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw,
he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF Do so, good mine Host.
HOST I have spoke. Let him follow.—Let me see thee
froth and lime . I am at a word. Follow.
Host exits.
FALSTAFF Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good
trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered
servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.
BARDOLPH It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
PISTOL O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot
wield? Bardolph exits.
NYM He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor
conceited?
FALSTAFF I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox.
His thefts were too open. His filching was like an
unskillful singer; he kept not time.
NYM The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.
PISTOL “Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal”? Foh, a fico
for the phrase!
FALSTAFF Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
PISTOL Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I
must shift.

---

PISTOL Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL I ken the wight. He is of substance good.
FALSTAFF My honest lads, I will tell you what I am
about.
PISTOL Two yards and more.
FALSTAFF No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the
waist two yards about, but I am now about no
waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make
love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She
discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation.
I can construe the action of her familiar style;
and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
PISTOL , aside to Nym He hath studied her will and
translated her will—out of honesty into English.
NYM , aside to Pistol The anchor is deep. Will that
humor pass?
FALSTAFF Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of
her husband’s purse. He hath a legion of angels.
PISTOL , aside to Nym As many devils entertain, and
“To her, boy,” say I.
NYM , aside to Pistol The humor rises; it is good.
Humor me the angels.
FALSTAFF , showing two papers I have writ me here a
letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who
even now gave me good eyes too, examined my
parts with most judicious oeillades . Sometimes
the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes
my portly belly.
PISTOL , aside to Nym Then did the sun on dunghill
shine.
NYM , aside to Pistol I thank thee for that humor.
FALSTAFF O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention that the appetite of her
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass.

---

Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse
too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty.
I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page—and thou this to Mistress
Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
NYM , to Falstaff I will run no base humor. Here, take
the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of
reputation.
FALSTAFF , giving papers to Robin
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.—
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go,
Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humor of the age:
French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
Falstaff and Robin exit.
PISTOL
Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam
holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM I have operations which be humors of revenge.
PISTOL Wilt thou revenge?
NYM By welkin and her star!
PISTOL With wit or steel?
NYM With both the humors, I. I will discuss the
humor of this love to Ford.
PISTOL
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,

---

His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
NYM My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to
deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,
for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is
my true humor.
PISTOL Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second
thee. Troop on.
They exit.

Enter Mistress Quickly and Simple.

MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby! ( Enter John
Rugby. ) I pray thee, go to the casement and see if
you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming.
If he do, i’ faith, and find anybody in the
house, here will be an old abusing of God’s patience
and the King’s English.
RUGBY I’ll go watch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Go, and we’ll have a posset for ’t
soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a seacoal
fire. ( Rugby exits. ) An honest, willing, kind fellow
as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I
warrant you, no telltale nor no breed-bate. His
worst fault is that he is given to prayer. He is something
peevish that way, but nobody but has his
fault. But let that pass. Peter Simple you say your
name is?
SIMPLE Ay, for fault of a better.
MISTRESS QUICKLY And Master Slender’s your master?
SIMPLE Ay, forsooth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Does he not wear a great round
beard like a glover’s paring knife?
SIMPLE No, forsooth. He hath but a little wee face,
with a little yellow beard, a Cain-colored beard.

---

MISTRESS QUICKLY A softly-sprited man, is he not?
SIMPLE Ay, forsooth. But he is as tall a man of his
hands as any is between this and his head. He hath
fought with a warrener.
MISTRESS QUICKLY How say you? O, I should remember
him. Does he not hold up his head, as it were,
and strut in his gait?
SIMPLE Yes, indeed, does he.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, heaven send Anne Page no
worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do
what I can for your master. Anne is a good girl, and
I wish—

Enter Rugby.

RUGBY Out, alas! Here comes my master.
MISTRESS QUICKLY We shall all be shent.—Run in here,
good young man. Go into this closet. He will not
stay long. ( Simple exits. ) What, John Rugby!
John! What, John, I say! Go, John, go enquire for
my master. I doubt he be not well, that he comes
not home. Rugby exits.
( She sings. ) And down, down, adown ’a, etc.

Enter Doctor Caius.

DOCTOR CAIUS Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys.
Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boîtier
vert , a box, a green-a box. Do intend vat I speak?
A green-a box.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth. I’ll fetch it you.
( Aside. ) I am glad he went not in himself. If he
had found the young man, he would have been
horn-mad. She exits.
DOCTOR CAIUS Fe, fe, fe, fe! Ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
m’en vais à la cour—la grande affaire.

Enter Mistress Quickly with a small box.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Is it this, sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS Oui, mets-le à mon pocket. Dépêche ,
quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby?

---

MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby, John!

Enter Rugby.

RUGBY Here, sir.
DOCTOR CAIUS You are John Rugby, and you are Jack
Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after
my heel to the court.
RUGBY ’Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
DOCTOR CAIUS By my trot, I tarry too long. Od’s
me! Qu’ai-j’oublié? Dere is some simples in my
closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave
behind. He exits.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay me! He’ll find the young man
there, and be mad!

Enter Doctor Caius.

DOCTOR CAIUS O diable, diable! Vat is in my closet? Villainy!
Larron! ( Pulling out Simple. ) Rugby, my
rapier!
MISTRESS QUICKLY Good master, be content.
DOCTOR CAIUS Wherefore shall I be content-a?
MISTRESS QUICKLY The young man is an honest man.
DOCTOR CAIUS What shall de honest man do in my
closet? Dere is no honest man dat shall come in
my closet.
MISTRESS QUICKLY I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic.
Hear the truth of it. He came of an errand to me
from Parson Hugh.
DOCTOR CAIUS Vell?
SIMPLE Ay, forsooth. To desire her to—
MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace, I pray you.
DOCTOR CAIUS Peace-a your tongue.—Speak-a your
tale.
SIMPLE To desire this honest gentlewoman, your
maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page
for my master in the way of marriage.

---

MISTRESS QUICKLY This is all, indeed, la! But I’ll ne’er
put my finger in the fire, and need not.
DOCTOR CAIUS , to Simple Sir Hugh send-a you?—
Rugby, baille me some paper.—Tarry you a little-a
while.

Rugby brings paper, and Doctor Caius writes.

MISTRESS QUICKLY , aside to Simple I am glad he is so
quiet. If he had been throughly moved, you should
have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But
notwithstanding, man, I’ll do you your master
what good I can. And the very yea and the no is,
the French doctor, my master—I may call him my
master, look you, for I keep his house, and I wash,
wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink,
make the beds, and do all myself—
SIMPLE , aside to Quickly ’Tis a great charge to come
under one body’s hand.
MISTRESS QUICKLY , aside to Simple Are you advised o’
that? You shall find it a great charge. And to be up
early and down late. But notwithstanding—to tell
you in your ear; I would have no words of it—my
master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page.
But notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind.
That’s neither here nor there.
DOCTOR CAIUS , handing paper to Simple You, jack’nape,
give-a this letter to Sir Hugh. By gar, it is a
shallenge. I will cut his troat in de park, and I will
teach a scurvy jackanape priest to meddle or
make. You may be gone. It is not good you tarry
here.—By gar, I will cut all his two stones. By gar,
he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog.
Simple exits.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
DOCTOR CAIUS It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a
me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
vill kill de jack priest; and I have appointed mine

---

Host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar,
I will myself have Anne Page.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall
be well. We must give folks leave to prate. What
the goodyear!
DOCTOR CAIUS Rugby, come to the court with me. ( To
Mistress Quickly. ) By gar, if I have not Anne Page,
I shall turn your head out of my door.—Follow my
heels, Rugby.
MISTRESS QUICKLY You shall have Anne—
Caius and Rugby exit.
fool’s head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind
for that. Never a woman in Windsor knows more
of Anne’s mind than I do, nor can do more than I
do with her, I thank heaven.
FENTON , within Who’s within there, ho?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Who’s there, I trow? Come near the
house, I pray you.

Enter Fenton.

FENTON How now, good woman? How dost thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY The better that it pleases your good
Worship to ask.
FENTON What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and
honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I
can tell you that by the way, I praise heaven for it.
FENTON Shall I do any good, think’st thou? Shall I not
lose my suit?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Troth, sir, all is in His hands above.
But notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn
on a book she loves you. Have not your Worship a
wart above your eye?
FENTON Yes, marry, have I. What of that?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, thereby hangs a tale. Good
faith, it is such another Nan! But, I detest, an honest

---

maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour’s
talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that
maid’s company. But, indeed, she is given too
much to allicholy and musing. But, for you,—well,
go to.
FENTON Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there’s
money for thee. ( He hands her money. ) Let me
have thy voice in my behalf. If thou see’st her before
me, commend me.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Will I? I’ faith, that we will. And I
will tell your Worship more of the wart the next
time we have confidence, and of other wooers.
FENTON Well, farewell. I am in great haste now.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Farewell to your Worship.
( Fenton exits. )
Truly an honest gentleman—but Anne loves him
not, for I know Anne’s mind as well as another
does. Out upon ’t! What have I forgot?
She exits.

Enter Mistress Page reading a letter.

MISTRESS PAGE What, have I ’scaped love letters in
the holiday time of my beauty, and am I now a
subject for them? Let me see.
She reads.
Ask me no reason why I love you, for though Love
use Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for
his counselor. You are not young; no more am I. Go
to, then, there’s sympathy. You are merry; so am I.
Ha, ha, then, there’s more sympathy. You love sack,
and so do I. Would you desire better sympathy? Let
it suffice thee, Mistress Page—at the least, if the love
of soldier can suffice—that I love thee. I will not say
pity me—’tis not a soldier-like phrase—but I say love
me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight,
John Falstaff.
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked
world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
age, to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard

---

picked—with the devil’s name!—out of my conversation,
that he dares in this manner assay me?
Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!
What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
mirth. Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill
in the Parliament for the putting down of men.
How shall I be revenged on him? For revenged I
will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.

Enter Mistress Ford.

MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page! Trust me, I was going to
your house.
MISTRESS PAGE And, trust me, I was coming to you.
You look very ill.
MISTRESS FORD Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that. I have to
show to the contrary.
MISTRESS PAGE Faith, but you do, in my mind.
MISTRESS FORD Well, I do, then. Yet I say I could show
you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some
counsel.
MISTRESS PAGE What’s the matter, woman?
MISTRESS FORD O woman, if it were not for one trifling
respect, I could come to such honor!
MISTRESS PAGE Hang the trifle, woman; take the honor.
What is it? Dispense with trifles. What is it?
MISTRESS FORD If I would but go to hell for an eternal
moment or so, I could be knighted.
MISTRESS PAGE What, thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These
knights will hack, and so thou shouldst not alter
the article of thy gentry.
MISTRESS FORD We burn daylight. Here, read, read. Perceive
how I might be knighted. ( She gives a paper
to Mistress Page, who reads it. ) I shall think the
worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make
difference of men’s liking. And yet he would not
swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such

---

orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness
that I would have sworn his disposition
would have gone to the truth of his words. But
they do no more adhere and keep place together
than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of
“ Greensleeves. ” What tempest, I trow, threw this
whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore
at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I
think the best way were to entertain him with hope
till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his
own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
MISTRESS PAGE Letter for letter, but that the name of
Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this
mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin brother of
thy letter. ( She gives a paper to Mistress Ford, who
reads it. ) But let thine inherit first, for I protest
mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of
these letters writ with blank space for different
names—sure, more—and these are of the second
edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he
cares not what he puts into the press, when he
would put us two. I had rather be a giantess and lie
under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty
lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
MISTRESS FORD Why, this is the very same—the very
hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?
MISTRESS PAGE Nay, I know not. It makes me almost
ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain
myself like one that I am not acquainted
withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in
me that I know not myself, he would never have
boarded me in this fury.
MISTRESS FORD “Boarding” call you it? I’ll be sure to
keep him above deck.
MISTRESS PAGE So will I. If he come under my hatches,
I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him.
Let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of

---

comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited
delay till he hath pawned his horses to mine
Host of the Garter.
MISTRESS FORD Nay, I will consent to act any villainy
against him that may not sully the chariness of our
honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It
would give eternal food to his jealousy.
MISTRESS PAGE Why, look where he comes, and my
good man too. He’s as far from jealousy as I am
from giving him cause, and that, I hope, is an
unmeasurable distance.
MISTRESS FORD You are the happier woman.
MISTRESS PAGE Let’s consult together against this greasy
knight. Come hither. They talk aside.

Enter Ford with Pistol, and Page with Nym.

FORD Well, I hope it be not so.
PISTOL
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs.
Sir John affects thy wife.
FORD Why, sir, my wife is not young.
PISTOL
He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford.
He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.
FORD Love my wife?
PISTOL
With liver burning hot. Prevent,
Or go thou like Sir Acteon, he,
With Ringwood at thy heels.
O, odious is the name!
FORD What name, sir?
PISTOL The horn, I say. Farewell.
Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by
night.
Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo birds do
sing.—

---

Away, Sir Corporal Nym.—Believe it, Page. He
speaks sense. He exits.
FORD , aside I will be patient. I will find out this.
NYM , to Page And this is true. I like not the humor of
lying. He hath wronged me in some humors. I
should have borne the humored letter to her; but I
have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity.
He loves your wife; there’s the short and the long.
My name is Corporal Nym. I speak and I avouch.
’Tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your
wife. Adieu. I love not the humor of bread and
cheese. Adieu. He exits.
PAGE , aside “The humor of it,” quoth he? Here’s a fellow
frights English out of his wits.
FORD , aside I will seek out Falstaff.
PAGE , aside I never heard such a drawling, affecting
rogue.
FORD , aside If I do find it—well.
PAGE , aside I will not believe such a Cataian, though
the priest o’ th’ town commended him for a true
man.
FORD , aside ’Twas a good sensible fellow—well.

Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward.

PAGE , to Mistress Page How now, Meg?
MISTRESS PAGE Whither go you, George? Hark you.
They talk aside.
MISTRESS FORD , to Ford How now, sweet Frank? Why
art thou melancholy?
FORD I melancholy? I am not melancholy. Get you
home. Go.
MISTRESS FORD Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy
head now.—Will you go, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE Have with you.—You’ll come to dinner,
George? ( Aside to Mistress Ford. ) Look who
comes yonder.

---

Enter Mistress Quickly.

She shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
MISTRESS FORD Trust me, I thought on her. She’ll fit it.
MISTRESS PAGE , to Mistress Quickly You are come to
see my daughter Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth. And, I pray, how does
good Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS PAGE Go in with us and see. We have an
hour’s talk with you.
Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and
Mistress Quickly exit.
PAGE How now, Master Ford?
FORD You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
PAGE Yes, and you heard what the other told me?
FORD Do you think there is truth in them?
PAGE Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight
would offer it. But these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded
men, very rogues, now they be out of service.
FORD Were they his men?
PAGE Marry, were they.
FORD I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
the Garter?
PAGE Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him;
and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let
it lie on my head.
FORD I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loath
to turn them together. A man may be too confident.
I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot
be thus satisfied.

Enter Host.

PAGE Look where my ranting Host of the Garter
comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money
in his purse when he looks so merrily.—How now,
mine Host?

---

HOST How now, bullyrook? Thou ’rt a gentleman.—
Cavaleiro Justice, I say!

Enter Shallow.

SHALLOW I follow, mine Host, I follow.—Good even
and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will
you go with us? We have sport in hand.
HOST Tell him, Cavaleiro Justice; tell him, bullyrook.
SHALLOW Sir, there is a fray to be fought between
Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French
doctor.
FORD Good mine Host o’ th’ Garter, a word with you.
HOST What say’st thou, my bullyrook?
The Host and Ford talk aside.
SHALLOW , to Page Will you go with us to behold it?
My merry Host hath had the measuring of their
weapons and, I think, hath appointed them contrary
places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no
jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
Shallow and Page talk aside.
HOST , to Ford Hast thou no suit against my knight,
my guest cavalier?
FORD None, I protest. But I’ll give you a pottle of
burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him
my name is Brook —only for a jest.
HOST My hand, bully. Thou shalt have egress and
regress—said I well?—and thy name shall be
Brook . It is a merry knight. ( To Shallow and
Page. ) Will you go, ameers ?
SHALLOW Have with you, mine Host.
PAGE I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill
in his rapier.
SHALLOW Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these
times you stand on distance—your passes, stoccados,
and I know not what. ’Tis the heart, Master
Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time, with
my long sword I would have made you four tall
fellows skip like rats.

---

HOST Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?
PAGE Have with you. I had rather hear them scold
than fight. Page , Host, and Shallow exit.
FORD Though Page be a secure fool and stands so
firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my
opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s
house, and what they made there I know not. Well,
I will look further into ’t, and I have a disguise to
sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my
labor. If she be otherwise, ’tis labor well bestowed.
He exits.

Enter Sir John Falstaff and Pistol.

FALSTAFF I will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOL Why then, the world’s mine oyster, which I
with sword will open.
FALSTAFF Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
should lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated
upon my good friends for three reprieves for you
and your coach-fellow Nym, or else you had
looked through the grate like a gemini of baboons.
I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my
friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows.
And when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her
fan, I took ’t upon mine honor thou hadst it not.
PISTOL Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen
pence?
FALSTAFF Reason, you rogue, reason. Think’st thou I’ll
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me. I am no gibbet for you. Go—a short
knife and a throng—to your manor of Pickt-hatch,
go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue? You
stand upon your honor? Why, thou unconfinable

---

baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
terms of my honor precise. Ay, ay, I myself sometimes,
leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am fain to
shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold beating
oaths under the shelter of your honor! You will
not do it? You?
PISTOL I do relent. What would thou more of man?

Enter Robin.

ROBIN Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.
FALSTAFF Let her approach.

Enter Mistress Quickly.

MISTRESS QUICKLY Give your Worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF Good morrow, goodwife.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Not so, an ’t please your Worship.
FALSTAFF Good maid, then.
MISTRESS QUICKLY I’ll be sworn—as my mother was,
the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFF I do believe the swearer. What with me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Shall I vouchsafe your Worship a
word or two?
FALSTAFF Two thousand, fair woman, and I’ll vouchsafe
thee the hearing.
MISTRESS QUICKLY There is one Mistress Ford, sir—I
pray, come a little nearer this ways. I myself dwell
with Master Doctor Caius.
FALSTAFF Well, on. “Mistress Ford,” you say—
MISTRESS QUICKLY Your Worship says very true. I pray
your Worship, come a little nearer this ways.
FALSTAFF I warrant thee, nobody hears. Mine own
people, mine own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Are they so? God bless them and
make them His servants!

---

FALSTAFF Well, “Mistress Ford”—what of her?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, sir, she’s a good creature.
Lord, Lord, your Worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven
forgive you and all of us, I pray!
FALSTAFF “Mistress Ford”—come, “Mistress Ford”—
MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, this is the short and the long
of it: you have brought her into such a canaries as
’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when
the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought
her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights,
and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I
warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter,
gift after gift, smelling so sweetly—all musk—and
so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in
such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
woman’s heart; and, I warrant you, they could
never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty
angels given me this morning, but I defy all angels
in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty. And, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
them all. And yet there has been earls—nay, which
is more, pensioners—but, I warrant you, all is one
with her.
FALSTAFF But what says she to me? Be brief, my good
she-Mercury.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, she hath received your letter,
for the which she thanks you a thousand times,
and she gives you to notify that her husband will
be absence from his house between ten and eleven.
FALSTAFF Ten and eleven?
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth; and then you may come
and see the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master
Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the
sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He’s a very

---

jealousy man. She leads a very frampold life with
him, good heart.
FALSTAFF Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to
her. I will not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, you say well. But I have another
messenger to your Worship. Mistress Page
hath her hearty commendations to you too; and,
let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil
modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss
you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor,
whoe’er be the other. And she bade me tell
your Worship that her husband is seldom from
home, but she hopes there will come a time. I
never knew a woman so dote upon a man. Surely, I
think you have charms, la! Yes, in truth.
FALSTAFF Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of
my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing on your heart for ’t!
FALSTAFF But I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife
and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they
love me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY That were a jest indeed! They have
not so little grace, I hope. That were a trick indeed!
But Mistress Page would desire you to send her
your little page, of all loves. Her husband has a
marvelous infection to the little page; and, truly,
Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does. Do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to
bed when she list, rise when she list—all is as she
will. And, truly, she deserves it, for if there be a
kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send
her your page, no remedy.
FALSTAFF Why, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Nay, but do so then, and, look you,
he may come and go between you both. And in any

---

case have a nayword, that you may know one another’s
mind, and the boy never need to understand
anything; for ’tis not good that children
should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know,
have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
FALSTAFF Fare thee well. Commend me to them both.
There’s my purse. ( He gives her money. ) I am yet
thy debtor.—Boy, go along with this woman. ( Mistress
Quickly and Robin exit. ) This news distracts
me.
PISTOL , aside
This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers.
Clap on more sails, pursue; up with your fights;
Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
He exits.
FALSTAFF Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways. I’ll
make more of thy old body than I have done. Will
they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done;
so it be fairly done, no matter.

Enter Bardolph with wine.

BARDOLPH Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below
would fain speak with you and be acquainted with
you, and hath sent your Worship a morning’s
draught of sack. ( He hands Falstaff the wine. )
FALSTAFF Brook is his name?
BARDOLPH Ay, sir.
FALSTAFF Call him in. Such Brooks are welcome to
me that o’erflows such liquor. ( Bardolph exits. )
Ah ha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed
you? Go to. Via!

Enter Bardolph with Ford disguised as Brook.

FORD , as Brook God bless you, sir.
FALSTAFF And you, sir. Would you speak with me?

---

FORD , as Brook I make bold to press with so little
preparation upon you.
FALSTAFF You’re welcome. What’s your will?—Give us
leave, drawer. Bardolph exits.
FORD , as Brook Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent
much. My name is Brook .
FALSTAFF Good Master Brook , I desire more acquaintance
of you.
FORD , as Brook Good Sir John, I sue for yours—not
to charge you, for I must let you understand I
think myself in better plight for a lender than you
are, the which hath something emboldened me to
this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money
go before, all ways do lie open.
FALSTAFF Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
FORD , as Brook Troth, and I have a bag of money
here troubles me. He sets it down. If you will help
to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me
of the carriage.
FALSTAFF Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter.
FORD , as Brook I will tell you, sir, if you will give me
the hearing.
FALSTAFF Speak, good Master Brook . I shall be glad
to be your servant.
FORD , as Brook Sir, I hear you are a scholar—I will
be brief with you—and you have been a man long
known to me, though I had never so good means
as desire to make myself acquainted with you. I
shall discover a thing to you wherein I must very
much lay open mine own imperfection. But, good
Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as
you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register
of your own, that I may pass with a reproof
the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to
be such an offender.

---

FALSTAFF Very well, sir. Proceed.
FORD , as Brook There is a gentlewoman in this
town—her husband’s name is Ford.
FALSTAFF Well, sir.
FORD , as Brook I have long loved her and, I protest
to you, bestowed much on her, followed her with
a doting observance, engrossed opportunities to
meet her, fee’d every slight occasion that could but
niggardly give me sight of her, not only bought
many presents to give her, but have given largely to
many to know what she would have given. Briefly,
I have pursued her as love hath pursued me, which
hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever
I have merited, either in my mind or in my
means, meed I am sure I have received none, unless
experience be a jewel. That I have purchased
at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say
this:
“Love like a shadow flies when substance love
pursues,
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.”
FALSTAFF Have you received no promise of satisfaction
at her hands?
FORD , as Brook Never.
FALSTAFF Have you importuned her to such a
purpose?
FORD , as Brook Never.
FALSTAFF Of what quality was your love, then?
FORD , as Brook Like a fair house built on another
man’s ground, so that I have lost my edifice by
mistaking the place where I erected it.
FALSTAFF To what purpose have you unfolded this to
me?
FORD , as Brook When I have told you that, I have
told you all. Some say that though she appear honest
to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her
mirth so far that there is shrewd construction

---

made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my
purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding,
admirable discourse, of great admittance,
authentic in your place and person, generally
allowed for your many warlike, courtlike, and
learned preparations.
FALSTAFF O, sir!
FORD , as Brook Believe it, for you know it. There is
money. ( He points to the bag. ) Spend it, spend
it, spend more; spend all I have. Only give me so
much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an
amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife.
Use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you.
If any man may, you may as soon as any.
FALSTAFF Would it apply well to the vehemency of
your affection that I should win what you would
enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously.
FORD , as Brook O, understand my drift. She dwells
so securely on the excellency of her honor that the
folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too
bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to
her with any detection in my hand, my desires had
instance and argument to commend themselves. I
could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand
other her defenses, which now are too too strongly
embattled against me. What say you to ’t, Sir
John?
FALSTAFF , taking the bag Master Brook , I will first
make bold with your money; next, give me your
hand; and, last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if
you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.
FORD , as Brook O, good sir!
FALSTAFF I say you shall.
FORD , as Brook Want no money, Sir John; you shall
want none.

---

FALSTAFF Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook ; you
shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you,
by her own appointment. Even as you came in to
me, her assistant or go-between parted from me. I
say I shall be with her between ten and eleven, for
at that time the jealous, rascally knave her husband
will be forth. Come you to me at night. You
shall know how I speed.
FORD , as Brook I am blessed in your acquaintance.
Do you know Ford, sir?
FALSTAFF Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know
him not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor. They
say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of
money, for the which his wife seems to me well-favored.
I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly
rogue’s coffer, and there’s my harvest home.
FORD , as Brook I would you knew Ford, sir, that you
might avoid him if you saw him.
FALSTAFF Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I
will stare him out of his wits. I will awe him with
my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er the
cuckold’s horns. Master Brook , thou shalt know I
will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s
a knave, and I will aggravate his style. Thou, Master
Brook , shalt know him for knave and cuckold.
Come to me soon at night. Falstaff exits.
FORD What a damned epicurean rascal is this! My
heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says
this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent
to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made.
Would any man have thought this? See the hell of
having a false woman: my bed shall be abused, my
coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at. And
I shall not only receive this villainous wrong but
stand under the adoption of abominable terms,

---

and by him that does me this wrong. Terms,
names! “Amaimon” sounds well, “Lucifer” well,
“Barbason” well; yet they are devils’ additions, the
names of fiends. But “Cuckold,” “Wittoll,” “Cuckold”!
The devil himself hath not such a name. Page
is an ass, a secure ass. He will trust his wife, he will
not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with
my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my
cheese, an Irishman with my aquavitae bottle, or
a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife
with herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates,
then she devises; and what they think in their
hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts
but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy!
Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this,
detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh
at Page. I will about it. Better three hours too soon
than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold,
cuckold!
He exits.

Enter Doctor Caius and Rugby.

DOCTOR CAIUS Jack Rugby.
RUGBY Sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS Vat is the clock, Jack?
RUGBY ’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised
to meet.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, he has save his soul dat he is no
come. He has pray his Pible well dat he is no come.
By gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already if he be
come.
RUGBY He is wise, sir. He knew your Worship would
kill him if he came.

---

DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill
kill him. Take your rapier, Jack. I vill tell you how I
vill kill him.
RUGBY Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
DOCTOR CAIUS Villainy, take your rapier.
RUGBY Forbear. Here’s company.

Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, and Host.

HOST God bless thee, bully doctor!
SHALLOW God save you, Master Doctor Caius!
PAGE Now, good Master Doctor!
SLENDER Give you good morrow, sir.
DOCTOR CAIUS Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come
for?
HOST To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse;
to see thee here, to see thee there; to see
thy pass, thy puncto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy
distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian?
Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully? What says
my Aesculapius, my Galien, my heart of elder, ha?
Is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead?
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, he is de coward jack-priest of de
vorld. He is not show his face.
HOST Thou art a Castalion King Urinal Hector of
Greece, my boy!
DOCTOR CAIUS I pray you, bear witness that me have
stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is
no come.
SHALLOW He is the wiser man, Master Doctor. He is a
curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you
should fight, you go against the hair of your professions.—
Is it not true, Master Page?
PAGE Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
fighter, though now a man of peace.
SHALLOW Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old
and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger

---

itches to make one. Though we are justices and
doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have
some salt of our youth in us. We are the sons of
women, Master Page.
PAGE ’Tis true, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW It will be found so, Master Page.—Master
Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am
sworn of the peace. You have showed yourself a
wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself
a wise and patient churchman. You must go with
me, Master Doctor.
HOST Pardon, guest Justice. A word , ( To Caius. )
Monsieur Mockwater.
DOCTOR CAIUS “Mockvater”? Vat is dat?
HOST “Mockwater,” in our English tongue, is “valor,”
bully.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, then I have as much mockvater
as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar,
me vill cut his ears.
HOST He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
DOCTOR CAIUS “Clapper-de-claw”? Vat is dat?
HOST That is, he will make thee amends.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw
me, for, by gar, me vill have it.
HOST And I will provoke him to ’t, or let him wag.
DOCTOR CAIUS Me tank you for dat.
HOST And moreover, bully— ( He draws Shallow, Page,
and Slender aside. ) But first, Master guest, and
Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you
through the town to Frogmore.
PAGE Sir Hugh is there, is he?
HOST He is there. See what humor he is in; and I will
bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do
well?
SHALLOW We will do it.
PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER Adieu, good Master
Doctor. Page , Shallow, and Slender exit.

---

DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak
for a jackanape to Anne Page.
HOST Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold
water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me
through Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress
Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting, and
thou shalt woo her. Cried game! Said I well?
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, me dank you vor dat. By gar, I
love you, and I shall procure-a you de good guest:
de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my
patients.
HOST For the which I will be thy adversary toward
Anne Page. Said I well?
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, ’tis good. Vell said.
HOST Let us wag, then.
DOCTOR CAIUS Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
They exit.

Enter Sir Hugh Evans ( with a book and a sword )
and Simple ( carrying Sir Hugh’s gown ) .

SIR HUGH I pray you now, good Master Slender’s servingman
and friend Simple by your name, which
way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls
himself doctor of physic?
SIMPLE Marry, sir, the Petty-ward , the Park-ward,
every way; Old Windsor way, and every way but
the town way.
SIR HUGH I most fehemently desire you, you will also
look that way.
SIMPLE I will, sir. He exits.
SIR HUGH Pless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and
trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived
me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his
urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good
opportunities for the ’ork. Pless my soul!
( Sings. )
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals.
There will we make our peds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow—
Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry.

---

( Sings. )
Melodious birds sing madrigals—
Whenas I sat in Pabylon—
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals.

Enter Simple.

SIMPLE Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
SIR HUGH He’s welcome.
( Sings. )
To shallow rivers, to whose falls—
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
SIMPLE No weapons, sir. There comes my master,
Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from
Frogmore, over the stile, this way.
SIR HUGH Pray you, give me my gown—or else keep it
in your arms.

Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.

SHALLOW How now, Master Parson? Good morrow,
good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice,
and a good student from his book, and it is
wonderful.
SLENDER , aside Ah, sweet Anne Page!
PAGE God save you, good Sir Hugh!
SIR HUGH God pless you from His mercy sake, all of
you!
SHALLOW What, the sword and the word? Do you
study them both, Master Parson?
PAGE And youthful still—in your doublet and hose
this raw rheumatic day?
SIR HUGH There is reasons and causes for it.
PAGE We are come to you to do a good office, Master
Parson.
SIR HUGH Fery well. What is it?

---

PAGE Yonder is a most reverend gentleman who, belike
having received wrong by some person, is at
most odds with his own gravity and patience that
ever you saw.
SHALLOW I have lived fourscore years and upward. I
never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning
so wide of his own respect.
SIR HUGH What is he?
PAGE I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the
renowned French physician.
SIR HUGH Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had
as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
PAGE Why?
SIR HUGH He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates
and Galen—and he is a knave besides, a cowardly
knave as you would desires to be acquainted
withal.
PAGE , to Shallow I warrant you, he’s the man should
fight with him.
SLENDER , aside O, sweet Anne Page!
SHALLOW It appears so by his weapons. Keep them
asunder. Here comes Doctor Caius.

Enter Host, Doctor Caius, and Rugby.
Caius and Sir Hugh offer to fight.

PAGE Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.
SHALLOW So do you, good Master Doctor.
HOST Disarm them, and let them question. Let them
keep their limbs whole and hack our English.
Page and Shallow disarm Caius and Sir Hugh.
DOCTOR CAIUS , to Sir Hugh I pray you, let-a me speak
a word with your ear. Verefore vill you not
meet-a me?
SIR HUGH , aside to Caius Pray you, use your patience.
( Aloud. ) In good time.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog,
John ape.

---

SIR HUGH , aside to Caius Pray you, let us not be
laughing-stocks to other men’s humors. I desire
you in friendship, and I will one way or other
make you amends. By Jeshu, I will knog ( Aloud. )
your urinal about your knave’s cogscomb.
DOCTOR CAIUS Diable! Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer,
have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not,
at de place I did appoint?
SIR HUGH As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this
is the place appointed. I’ll be judgment by mine
Host of the Garter.
HOST Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer!
DOCTOR CAIUS Ay, dat is very good, excellent.
HOST Peace, I say! Hear mine Host of the Garter. Am
I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I
lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions and
the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my
Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and the
no-verbs. ( To Caius. ) Give me thy hand, terrestrial;
so. ( To Sir Hugh. ) Give me thy hand, celestial;
so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both. I
have directed you to wrong places. Your hearts are
mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be
the issue. ( To Page and Shallow. ) Come, lay their
swords to pawn. ( To Caius and Sir Hugh. ) Follow
me, lads of peace, follow, follow, follow.
Host exits.
SHALLOW Afore God, a mad Host. Follow, gentlemen,
follow.
SLENDER , aside O, sweet Anne Page!
Shallow , Page, and Slender exit.
DOCTOR CAIUS Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a
de sot of us, ha, ha?
SIR HUGH This is well! He has made us his vloutingstog.
I desire you that we may be friends, and let

---

us knog our prains together to be revenge on this
same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the Host of
the Garter.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, with all my heart. He promise
to bring me where is Anne Page. By gar, he deceive
me too.
SIR HUGH Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you,
follow.
Sir Hugh, Caius, Simple, and Rugby exit.

Enter Robin followed by Mistress Page.

MISTRESS PAGE Nay, keep your way, little gallant. You
were wont to be a follower, but now you are a
leader. Whether had you rather—lead mine eyes,
or eye your master’s heels?
ROBIN I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man
than follow him like a dwarf.
MISTRESS PAGE O, you are a flattering boy! Now I see
you’ll be a courtier.

Enter Ford.

FORD Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?
MISTRESS PAGE Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at
home?
FORD Ay, and as idle as she may hang together, for
want of company. I think if your husbands were
dead, you two would marry.
MISTRESS PAGE Be sure of that—two other husbands.
FORD Where had you this pretty weathercock?
MISTRESS PAGE I cannot tell what the dickens his name
is my husband had him of.—What do you call your
knight’s name, sirrah?
ROBIN Sir John Falstaff.

---

FORD Sir John Falstaff!
MISTRESS PAGE He, he. I can never hit on ’s name.
There is such a league between my goodman and
he. Is your wife at home indeed?
FORD Indeed, she is.
MISTRESS PAGE By your leave, sir. I am sick till I see
her. Mistress Page and Robin exit.
FORD Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath
he any thinking? Sure they sleep; he hath no use
of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty
mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank
twelve score. He pieces out his wife’s inclination.
He gives her folly motion and advantage. And now
she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her.
A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And
Falstaff’s boy with her! Good plots they are laid,
and our revolted wives share damnation together.
Well, I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck
the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-seeming
Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure
and willful Acteon, and to these violent proceedings
all my neighbors shall cry aim. A clock
strikes. The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance
bids me search. There I shall find Falstaff. I
shall be rather praised for this than mocked, for it
is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is
there. I will go.

Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh
Evans, Doctor Caius, and Rugby.

SHALLOW, PAGE, ETC. Well met, Master Ford.
FORD Trust me, a good knot. I have good cheer at
home, and I pray you all go with me.
SHALLOW I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
SLENDER And so must I, sir. We have appointed to dine
with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with
her for more money than I’ll speak of.

---

SHALLOW We have lingered about a match between
Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we
shall have our answer.
SLENDER I hope I have your good will, Father Page.
PAGE You have, Master Slender. I stand wholly for
you.—But my wife, Master Doctor, is for you
altogether.
DOCTOR CAIUS Ay, be-gar, and de maid is love-a me! My
nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.
HOST , to Page What say you to young Master Fenton?
He capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he
writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April
and May. He will carry ’t, he will carry ’t. ’Tis in his
buttons he will carry ’t.
PAGE Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman
is of no having. He kept company with the
wild Prince and Poins. He is of too high a region;
he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in
his fortunes with the finger of my substance. If he
take her, let him take her simply. The wealth I have
waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that
way.
FORD I beseech you heartily, some of you go home
with me to dinner. Besides your cheer, you shall
have sport: I will show you a monster. Master Doctor,
you shall go.—So shall you, Master Page.—
And you, Sir Hugh.
SHALLOW Well, fare you well. We shall have the freer
wooing at Master Page’s.
Shallow and Slender exit.
DOCTOR CAIUS Go home, John Rugby. I come anon.
Rugby exits.
HOST Farewell, my hearts. I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him. He exits.
FORD , aside I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first
with him; I’ll make him dance.—Will you go,
gentles?

---

PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH Have with you to
see this monster.
They exit.

Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.

MISTRESS FORD What, John! What, Robert!
MISTRESS PAGE Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket—
MISTRESS FORD I warrant.—What, Robert , I say!

Enter John and Robert with a large buck-basket.

MISTRESS PAGE Come, come, come.
MISTRESS FORD Here, set it down.
MISTRESS PAGE Give your men the charge. We must be
brief.
MISTRESS FORD Marry, as I told you before, John and
Robert, be ready here hard by in the brewhouse,
and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and
without any pause or staggering take this basket
on your shoulders. That done, trudge with it in all
haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet
Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close
by the Thames side.
MISTRESS PAGE You will do it?
MISTRESS FORD I ha’ told them over and over. They lack
no direction.—Be gone, and come when you are
called. John and Robert exit.
MISTRESS PAGE Here comes little Robin.

Enter Robin.

MISTRESS FORD How now, my eyas-musket? What news
with you?
ROBIN My master, Sir John, is come in at your back
door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

---

MISTRESS PAGE You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been
true to us?
ROBIN Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your
being here and hath threatened to put me into
everlasting liberty if I tell you of it, for he swears
he’ll turn me away.
MISTRESS PAGE Thou ’rt a good boy. This secrecy of
thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a
new doublet and hose.—I’ll go hide me.
MISTRESS FORD Do so.—Go tell thy master I am alone.
( Robin exits. ) Mistress Page, remember you your
cue.
MISTRESS PAGE I warrant thee. If I do not act it, hiss
me. She exits.
MISTRESS FORD Go to, then. We’ll use this unwholesome
humidity, this gross-wat’ry pumpion. We’ll
teach him to know turtles from jays.

Enter Sir John Falstaff.

FALSTAFF “Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?”
Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough.
This is the period of my ambition. O, this blessèd
hour!
MISTRESS FORD O, sweet Sir John!
FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, I cannot cog. I cannot prate,
Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the best
lord: I would make thee my lady.
MISTRESS FORD I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be
a pitiful lady.
FALSTAFF Let the court of France show me such
another. I see how thine eye would emulate the
diamond. Thou hast the right arched beauty of the
brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant,
or any tire of Venetian admittance.
MISTRESS FORD A plain kerchief, Sir John. My brows
become nothing else, nor that well neither.

---

FALSTAFF Thou art a tyrant to say so. Thou wouldst
make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of
thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait
in a semicircled farthingale. I see what thou wert,
if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend.
Come, thou canst not hide it.
MISTRESS FORD Believe me, there’s no such thing in
me.
FALSTAFF What made me love thee? Let that persuade
thee. There’s something extraordinary in thee.
Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that
like a many of these lisping hawthorn buds that
come like women in men’s apparel and smell like
Bucklersbury in simple time. I cannot. But I love
thee, none but thee; and thou deserv’st it.
MISTRESS FORD Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love
Mistress Page.
FALSTAFF Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by
the Counter gate, which is as hateful to me as the
reek of a lime-kiln.
MISTRESS FORD Well, heaven knows how I love you,
and you shall one day find it.
FALSTAFF Keep in that mind. I’ll deserve it.
MISTRESS FORD Nay, I must tell you, so you do, or else
I could not be in that mind.

Enter Robin.

ROBIN Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here’s Mistress
Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking
wildly, and would needs speak with you
presently.
FALSTAFF She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind
the arras.
MISTRESS FORD Pray you, do so. She’s a very tattling
woman. Falstaff stands behind the arras.

---

Enter Mistress Page.

What’s the matter? How now?
MISTRESS PAGE O Mistress Ford, what have you done?
You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone
forever!
MISTRESS FORD What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an
honest man to your husband, to give him such
cause of suspicion!
MISTRESS FORD What cause of suspicion?
MISTRESS PAGE What cause of suspicion? Out upon you!
How am I mistook in you!
MISTRESS FORD Why, alas, what’s the matter?
MISTRESS PAGE Your husband’s coming hither, woman,
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman
that he says is here now in the house, by
your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence.
You are undone.
MISTRESS FORD ’Tis not so, I hope.
MISTRESS PAGE Pray heaven it be not so, that you have
such a man here! But ’tis most certain your husband’s
coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to
search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If
you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it. But if
you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be
not amazed! Call all your senses to you; defend
your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life
forever.
MISTRESS FORD What shall I do? There is a gentleman,
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so
much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand
pound he were out of the house.
MISTRESS PAGE For shame! Never stand “you had
rather” and “you had rather.” Your husband’s here
at hand. Bethink you of some conveyance. In the

---

house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived
me! Look, here is a basket. If he be of any
reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and
throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to
bucking. Or—it is whiting time—send him by your
two men to Datchet Mead.
MISTRESS FORD He’s too big to go in there. What shall I
do? Falstaff comes forward.
FALSTAFF Let me see ’t, let me see ’t! O, let me see ’t! I’ll
in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’s counsel. I’ll in.
MISTRESS PAGE What, Sir John Falstaff? ( Aside to
him. ) Are these your letters, knight?
FALSTAFF , aside to Mistress Page I love thee. Help me
away. Let me creep in here. I’ll never—

Falstaff goes into the basket; they cover
him with dirty clothes.

MISTRESS PAGE , to Robin Help to cover your master,
boy.—Call your men, Mistress Ford.—You dissembling
knight! Robin exits.
MISTRESS FORD What, John! Robert! John!

Enter Robert and John.

Go, take up these clothes here quickly. Where’s the
cowlstaff? Look how you drumble! Carry them to
the laundress in Datchet Mead. Quickly! Come.

Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius,
and Sir Hugh Evans.

FORD Pray you, come near. If I suspect without cause,
why then make sport at me. Then let me be your
jest; I deserve it.—How now? Whither bear you
this?
ROBERT and JOHN To the laundress, forsooth.
MISTRESS FORD Why, what have you to do whither they
bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing!

---

FORD Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck.
Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck,
and of the season too, it shall appear.
Robert and John exit with the buck-basket.
Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I’ll tell you my
dream. Here, here, here be my keys. Ascend my
chambers. Search, seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll
unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. ( He
locks the door. ) So, now uncape.
PAGE Good Master Ford, be contented. You wrong
yourself too much.
FORD True, Master Page.—Up, gentlemen. You shall
see sport anon. Follow me, gentlemen. He exits.
SIR HUGH This is fery fantastical humors and
jealousies.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France. It is
not jealous in France.
PAGE Nay, follow him, gentlemen. See the issue of his
search. Page , Sir Hugh, and Caius exit.
MISTRESS PAGE Is there not a double excellency in this?
MISTRESS FORD I know not which pleases me better—
that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE What a taking was he in when your
husband asked who was in the basket!
MISTRESS FORD I am half afraid he will have need of
washing, so throwing him into the water will do
him a benefit.
MISTRESS PAGE Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all
of the same strain were in the same distress.
MISTRESS FORD I think my husband hath some special
suspicion of Falstaff’s being here, for I never saw
him so gross in his jealousy till now.
MISTRESS PAGE I will lay a plot to try that, and we will
yet have more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute
disease will scarce obey this medicine.
MISTRESS FORD Shall we send that foolish carrion Mistress

---

Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into
the water, and give him another hope, to betray
him to another punishment?
MISTRESS PAGE We will do it. Let him be sent for tomorrow
eight o’clock to have amends.

Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh.

FORD I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged of
that he could not compass.
MISTRESS PAGE , aside to Mistress Ford Heard you
that?
MISTRESS FORD You use me well, Master Ford, do you?
FORD Ay, I do so.
MISTRESS FORD Heaven make you better than your
thoughts!
FORD Amen!
MISTRESS PAGE You do yourself mighty wrong, Master
Ford.
FORD Ay, ay. I must bear it.
SIR HUGH If there be anypody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
DOCTOR CAIUS Be gar, nor I too. There is nobodies.
PAGE Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed?
What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination?
I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind for the
wealth of Windsor Castle.
FORD ’Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it.
SIR HUGH You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is
as honest a ’omans as I will desires among five
thousand, and five hundred too.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.
FORD Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come,
walk in the park. I pray you, pardon me. I will
hereafter make known to you why I have done

---

this.—Come, wife—come, Mistress Page, I pray
you, pardon me. Pray, heartily, pardon me.
Mistress Page and Mistress Ford exit.
PAGE , to Caius and Sir Hugh Let’s go in, gentlemen.
But, trust me, we’ll mock him. ( To Ford, Caius,
and Sir Hugh. ) I do invite you tomorrow morning
to my house to breakfast. After, we’ll a-birding together;
I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be
so?
FORD Anything.
SIR HUGH If there is one, I shall make two in the
company.
DOCTOR CAIUS If there be one or two, I shall make-a the
turd.
FORD Pray you, go, Master Page.
Ford and Page exit.
SIR HUGH I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on
the lousy knave mine Host.
DOCTOR CAIUS Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart.
SIR HUGH A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his
mockeries!
They exit.

Enter Fenton and Anne Page.

FENTON
I see I cannot get thy father’s love;
Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
ANNE
Alas, how then?
FENTON Why, thou must be thyself.
He doth object I am too great of birth,
And that, my state being galled with my expense,
I seek to heal it only by his wealth.

---

Besides these, other bars he lays before me—
My riots past, my wild societies—
And tells me ’tis a thing impossible
I should love thee but as a property.
ANNE Maybe he tells you true.
FENTON
No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!
Albeit I will confess thy father’s wealth
Was the first motive that I wooed thee, Anne,
Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
Than stamps in gold or sums in sealèd bags.
And ’tis the very riches of thyself
That now I aim at.
ANNE Gentle Master Fenton,
Yet seek my father’s love, still seek it, sir.
If opportunity and humblest suit
Cannot attain it, why then—hark you hither.
They talk aside.

Enter Shallow, Slender, and Mistress Quickly.

SHALLOW Break their talk, Mistress Quickly. My kinsman
shall speak for himself.
SLENDER I’ll make a shaft or a bolt on ’t. ’Slid, ’tis but
venturing.
SHALLOW Be not dismayed.
SLENDER No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for
that, but that I am afeard.
MISTRESS QUICKLY , to Anne Hark ye, Master Slender
would speak a word with you.
ANNE
I come to him. ( Aside. ) This is my father’s choice.
O, what a world of vile ill-favored faults
Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year!
MISTRESS QUICKLY And how does good Master Fenton?
Pray you, a word with you. They talk aside.
SHALLOW , to Slender She’s coming. To her, coz! O
boy, thou hadst a father!

---

SLENDER I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can
tell you good jests of him.—Pray you, uncle, tell
Mistress Anne the jest how my father stole two
geese out of a pen, good uncle.
SHALLOW Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
SLENDER Ay, that I do, as well as I love any woman in
Gloucestershire.
SHALLOW He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
SLENDER Ay, that I will, come cut and longtail, under
the degree of a squire.
SHALLOW He will make you a hundred and fifty
pounds jointure.
ANNE Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
SHALLOW Marry, I thank you for it. I thank you for that
good comfort.—She calls you, coz. I’ll leave you.
He steps aside.
ANNE Now, Master Slender.
SLENDER Now, good Mistress Anne.
ANNE What is your will?
SLENDER My will? ’Od’s heartlings, that’s a pretty jest
indeed! I ne’er made my will yet, I thank heaven. I
am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
ANNE I mean, Master Slender, what would you with
me?
SLENDER Truly, for mine own part, I would little or
nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath
made motions. If it be my luck, so; if not, happy
man be his dole. They can tell you how things go
better than I can. You may ask your father.

Enter Page and Mistress Page.

Here he comes.
PAGE
Now, Master Slender.—Love him, daughter Anne.—
Why, how now? What does Master Fenton here?

---

You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house.
I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.
FENTON
Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.
MISTRESS PAGE
Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.
PAGE She is no match for you.
FENTON Sir, will you hear me?
PAGE No, good Master Fenton.—
Come Master Shallow.—Come, son Slender, in.—
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
Page , Shallow, and Slender exit.
MISTRESS QUICKLY , to Fenton Speak to Mistress Page.
FENTON
Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,
I must advance the colors of my love
And not retire. Let me have your good will.
ANNE
Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.
MISTRESS PAGE
I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
MISTRESS QUICKLY That’s my master, Master Doctor.
ANNE
Alas, I had rather be set quick i’ th’ earth
And bowled to death with turnips!
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, trouble not yourself.—Good Master Fenton,
I will not be your friend nor enemy.
My daughter will I question how she loves you,
And as I find her, so am I affected.
Till then, farewell, sir. She must needs go in;
Her father will be angry.
FENTON
Farewell, gentle mistress.—Farewell, Nan.
Mistress Page and Anne Page exit.

---

MISTRESS QUICKLY This is my doing now. “Nay,” said I,
“will you cast away your child on a fool and a
physician? Look on Master Fenton.” This is my
doing.
FENTON
I thank thee; and I pray thee, once tonight
Give my sweet Nan this ring. There’s for thy pains.
He gives her money and a ring.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Now heaven send thee good fortune.
Fenton exits.
A kind heart he hath. A woman would run through
fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I
would my master had Mistress Anne, or I would
Master Slender had her, or, in sooth, I would Master
Fenton had her. I will do what I can for them all
three; for so I have promised and I’ll be as good as
my word—but speciously for Master Fenton. Well,
I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from
my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it!
She exits.